Where to begin..

I've come to the conclusion that my life is an ongoing psychological battle. What I mean by "life" is every little thing we all do on a day to day basis, as well as those things that are only done every so often, and everything in between. For most people, it seems, when it comes to right and wrong/good and bad/this or that, there are clear paths to take. Not for me. Everything is a grey area for me. I'm just going to get real and tell my story. Or a part of it at least. It may take a few posts, but maybe it'll make sense. 

I was diagnosed with Depression/Anxiety in August 2010, after a week stay at a mental facility. To be honest, it was long overdue. Looking back on things now, I really should have known and gotten help before. I guess I can say I'm grateful for the way things played out to get me where I am now. It's been a road. A very wide, very dirty, very bumpy road. I've learned a lot about myself over the last 5 years. Things that I never would have known, were it not for the fact that I felt "forced" into getting treatment. Experimenting with different medications to see what worked, changing dosages, changing psychiatrists, and finding a wonderful therapist who never judged me, my choices, my reactions, anything. All played a huge role in my recovery. 

However, in November 2011 some things changed. I was working on a divorce. My ,now, ex-husband was working on military discharge. I lost my insurance, and as a stay at home mother, I lost my source of income. No more medication, no more therapy. Amazingly, 2012 was probably the best year of my life, despite circumstances. I started dating and became engaged to an amazing man (Chance). We found out we were having a baby. I loved the job I found (for the first few months anyway). Life was great! Even without treatment, I felt worthy of every good thing that came my way. Maybe I wasn't really depressed after all?

After my son was born in January 2013, things started to go back downhill. I struggled with PPD and my own depression and anxiety came back in full swing. Since then its been up and down. There are good days and bad days. My bad days have gotten worse, and my good days are few and far between. I struggle with daily actions like, getting out of bed, brushing my teeth, getting dressed. Housework is like a little monster than just nibbles at me. My children have gone from angels to terrors. I'm pretty sure my husband is liar. And I say that in the most loving way possible. He doesn't actually lie to me, I just don't feel deserving of the love he has for me most days. I've slowly been pushing people away. People in general have become exhausting. I don't enjoy life. 

This is not to say that my life isn't good. It is. My husband and children keep me pushing through. My in-laws, bless them, have put up with my shenanigans for the last 2 years, and Chance and I are now working on home-ownership. YAY! Chance has gotten promotion after promotion at work and we're doing well. All of us. 

My brain just has a hard time finding the light. I'm always nervous of where my decisions will take me. Did I make the right choice? Did I say the right thing? Most of the time I feel like I'm in an 8 ft. hole filled to the brim with boiling water. And for those who don't know, I can't swim. Today is one of those days. Only we'll turn it down a notch and say that the water is only up to my neck and it's cold. I'll survive!